Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
