I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You dont lie about slip and slides
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
