you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
