Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
