I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
