I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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