Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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