I wish they made helmets for livers.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Randomize
