god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
