she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
