I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
