i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize