I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
