dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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