WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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