onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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