you would pick up someone in the library
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I didn't notice because vodka
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
