This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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