U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
