He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
