Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
