so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
