Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
