So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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