he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
operation harelip BJ is a go
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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