trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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