I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
