I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize