My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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