at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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