I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
