I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize