So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
