I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
