he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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