just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
