I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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