Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize