highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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