we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
