You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
