If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
