Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
