Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
