dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
