I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
