the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
