I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
