Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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