turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
