I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
