He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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