wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
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