you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
