I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
