i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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