When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
