apparently the secret to your success is patron
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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