he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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