No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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