I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
