I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
