My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
