so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize