explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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