I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
